Resilient Kids & the Importance of One Stable Relationship

Children and teens face tough stuff everyday—from going to school to keeping up with friends to managing stress in our fast-paced world, all within the limits of a developing brain and body.

A traumatic event only adds to a child’s cognitive and emotional load.

November is a month dedicated to childhood grief awareness. While it’s not something we like to picture, approximately six million children will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the time the child turns eighteen (source: Judi’s House).

Children and teens are especially in need of support during these difficult times. A child’s grief can sometimes be overlooked during a crisis—or well-meaning adults may shield the child from the reality of death.

According to Harvard, children need just one stable relationship with a trusted adult to develop resilience.

What is Resilience?

You may have heard the adage “Children are resilient.” What does this mean? To paraphrase Merriam-Webster’s definition, resilient people are able to recover from severe situations without lasting difficulty.

Many adults generally hope that the kids in their lives will learn to regulate their emotions, problem-solve wisely, and maintain their well-being as they mature.

For a child who has lost a loved one, facing this challenge without support can put the child at risk for future mental health challenges and substance use (both of which make coping even more difficult).

Children are not “born resilient,” as the adage may suggest. Although it is true that children can withstand many adversities, kids and teens are still most successful when they have the support and care of at least one trusted adult.

Ways to Build a Stable Relationship with Your Child

The good news is that only one stable relationship is required for children to thrive. That means that if a child has lost a parent or becomes separated from their family of origin, all hope is not lost.

If you are a parent, family member, caregiver, or other invested influence in a child’s life, consider the following ways to build your bond with your child.

• Be present. Make an effort to set special time aside for just the two of you, without distractions like TV, phones, or other commitments.

• Ask open-ended questions. Whether you’re making small talk or tackling larger issues, be sure to give the child plenty of opportunities to share.

• Engage in what your child is engaged in. Explore their interests with them!

• Support and accept your child’s ideas. Instead of making the relationship about direction and discipline, try to be open to the way your child sees the world, and offer gentle correction only when necessary.

• Set clear boundaries. Children need structure and stability to feel safe. Set clear expectations for both your child and you—and be sure to keep your word. While it might seem like this tip contradicts our last tip (supporting your child’s ideas), it is possible to both stay open-minded and maintain a respectful structure.

Contact LEAF for Support

If you have questions or need support during a difficult time, please reach out to us at (607) 432-0090. Our staff is available to connect you with local resources to strengthen your family